I am generally labelled as the happy-go-lucky type of girl. Someone who’s always so positive no matter what life throws at her. Someone who just suddenly dances in the middle of a group study session while listening to music. For the most part, I do agree with what people are saying. I tend to see the brighter and more positive side of things. But that’s not always the case. I wish it were though.There are times when I am so overwhelmed with sadness that I stop what I’m doing and just…. Most of the time, I just cry. There are many triggers, but usually it’s because of those photos and videos you see in Facebook and YouTube. It’s especially worse now that I spend more time with myself than with other people. Being alone makes you think. Being alone forces you to face your demons. The worst part? I usually can’t talk to people about it. Most people assume that since I’m happy most of the time that I don’t have any problems. Only a select few of my bestfriends, *Ahem* *Lianna* asks me every once in a while,
“Shane? Musta naman ka diha?” Which means, Shane, How are you?
I smile and just say that I’m okay even if most of the time, I’m not. Yes. I’m fucked up. I’m weird and I’ve got a lot of issues that I’m trying to overcome. That’s just who I am. I don’t open up to a lot of people because I don’t want to be a burden to others. Which is probably why I cried my eyes out during D-group.
To those who are not familiar with the term, a D-group is basically a small group of people who meet up together during the week to talk about the word of God. I’ve never been to one before. I’ve never been the religious type though I love the Lord and have been trying to build a relationship with Him. When I started attending CCF Auckland, I was assigned to a D-group. I missed the first two times because I was busy with school work, but the bigger reason was because I was too shy to go alone. On the third time though, I gathered my courage and just attended.
I didn’t really open up to the girls in my d-group. What I told them was only the tip of the iceberg. I was uncomfortable to share what I truly felt. After the session ended, Ate Arvie prayed for me. It was such a powerful prayer that I literally cried my eyes out. Not the silent, subdued cry. No! It was the loud sobbing, nose dripping, ugly cry you usually reserve to when you’re watching A Walk to Remember alone. I don’t know how but as she prayed, I felt lighter. It was as if someone took a huge load off my back. I walked out that night feeling truly happy. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.
When I started typing this post, I started with the title, “Look Up”. I wanted to just tell people that whenever they feel sad or depressed, all they have to do is to look up at the sky so that they’ll feel better. But as I continued typing, it suddenly became a testimony. The title still fits! LOOK UP. When you’re feeling sad, depressed, alone, LOOK UP. Even if you’re as messed up as me, just look up. Talk to God. He’s the only one who can truly understand you. He’s the only one who will 100% listen to you. He won’t judge you. He would never think of you as a burden.
Remember, just LOOK UP.